The Letter
by ImNotAPsychopath
Summary: Actor!Verse. Misha leaves Jared a letter that confesses his feelings.


Dear Jared,

Having you as my best friend has been one of the greatest blessings I've had in this life. You've been there for me whenever I needed you and while there's nothing I can do to repay you for that, I've done my best to be the kind of friend to you that deserves a friendship like yours. I've probably failed more than I've succeeded at that, but you've never walked away from me. I don't understand why, but I am grateful for it.

The trouble is, I fucked it up. I know you're sitting there thinking that no. I didn't fuck anything up and what the hell am I talking about and I suppose from where you're sitting it probably seems that way. But I have. Somehow, somewhere along the line, my feelings for you changed. I don't know when, exactly. I just know that they did and since then the whole fucking world is wrong.

I thought I could just pretend that everything was as it had always been between us. I thought I could ignore them and they'd go away and I'd have you back. That's what I want, more than anything. I want you. I want the friendship we've always had. I have no illusions here. I know you're not looking for a relationship and that I'm not exactly what you'd call available. I know that I have way more baggage than I could reasonably expect a person to overlook and well…I know your demons too. I know better than anyone else in the world why these feelings for you are completely useless and can serve no other purpose than to ruin our friendship.

Anyway, I told you I went and fucked it up. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do this. I didn't mean for these stupid feelings to get in the way. I didn't mean to fall in love with you. But I did. And if you want to still be friends with me, even knowing my true feelings for you then I will do what I can to make that happen. And if you don't still want to be friends with me, you deserve to know why I've stopped calling. God, I'm so cliché. It's not you. It's me. And I'm sorry.

Misha

Misha looks at the letter one last time then tucks it into the envelope. Putting it in his backpack until he can find a place to give it to him. Slip it under his door? Perhaps.

It wasn't fair to say that he hadn't thought of Jared in years but it also wasn't exactly like he was pining away for him. Whatever his friendship with Jared had or hadn't been, whatever Jared did or did not mean to him—it was all over years ago. An entire lifetime had passed between the last time they'd seen one another and he'd hardly been sitting around like a monk, waiting for the day when they ran into each other on the street and confessed their feelings to one another. He hadn't. It wasn't even as though he still had those feelings. But occasionally, just…every once in awhile, someone would make a comment or a song would come on the radio that would make him think of Jared—make him pause a minute and wonder what he was doing now. Where he was at. Who he was with. If he was happy. And that, inevitably, led him down the road to what if. What if Jared had reacted differently? What if he had called? What if things had worked out between them?

It was an exercise in futility, he knew. A question he'd never have the answer to and who knows what good things in his life he would not have if his path had forked the opposite way, but it was a question that he couldn't help but ask himself on those rare occasions nowadays when Jared still crossed his mind.

"You didn't tell me he was coming!"

Daneel didn't look up from where she was sitting at her desk, typing calmly into her computer. "You didn't ask," she said," emphasizing the point with a particularly hard stroke on a key before she closed her laptop and looked up to meet his furious gaze.

"Wouldn't have thought to ask," Misha said. "Jesus, Dani. It's been fifteen years. Why would I think he'd suddenly going to show up on my doorstep?"

"You had to know it was a possibility if you continued volunteering at the camp. Alumni are always coming back to visit," she answered, picking up a piece of paper and beginning to proofread.

"He's not coming to visit," Misha growled. "He's going to be a counselor. He'll be here for the entire four days." He pushed off the desk and walked over to the window, staring outside. This didn't feel real. There was no possible way that in a week's time he was going to be forced to confront the only man he'd ever loved; the man who had rejected him so completely when he'd told him that he loved him that he hadn't heard from him again in the ensuing fifteen years. "Isn't there anything you can do?"

"Nothing," Danneel responded. "He's already been accepted to the program."

"Unaccept him," he demanded.

Danneel didn't look up. "Oh, of course, Misha. Since _you_ don't want to see him, I suppose we should overlook the fact that he's qualified for the program and that he needs it as part of his coursework. I'll go ahead and let him know we'll not be needing him, then. Is there anything else?"

Misha could feel his anger beginning to rise. Danneel knew better than anyone what had happened between the two of them. Hell, she'd been the one who encouraged him to take a chance, to tell Jared how he'd felt. And she'd been there when Jared had walked away. When the weeks stretched into months and it became clear that whatever he'd thought was between them had all been one-sided. There was no way he could be—or should be—expected to be okay with something like this. "You should have told me," he growled. "Given me some warning. I should have had time to bow out for this year and find something else to do during camp."

Danneel picked up her pen and circled something on the paper, then looked up at him at last. Her eyes softened as she watched him and she heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry," she said at last, standing up and coming around the desk. She set her hand on Misha's shoulder. "Really, hon. I know what he put you through but it's been 15 years…I thought that maybe you two could—"

The anger which had just begun to dissipate flared anew at her words. "So that's what this is? What's the matter, Dani? You're feeling guilty because you're the one who convinced me to tell him in the first place? Newsflash: I don't need you to fix this for me. I don't want to fix it. I'm over him. I just don't want to have to deal with him for four straight days."

Danneel yanked her hand back and Misha flinched a little at the look of betrayal in her eyes. She returned to the other side of the desk. "I'm not trying to _fix_ anything. He applied for the program. He met the requirements and the committee voted to accept him. And as for why I didn't tell you, it was because I knew you'd act like a child and try to run away and I didn't feel like looking for another drama instructor. I have enough other things to deal with between now and the first day of camp." She sat down in her chair and re-opened her computer. "So if there's nothing else…?" 

Misha watched her for a moment, but she was hacking away at her computer and refusing to meet his gaze. "No," he said. "There's nothing else." He pushed away from the desk and stomped off to another room, as if the clicking of Danneel's computer was all too noisy.

Jared poked his head inside. "Danneel?" He spotted the one figure inside. "Mish?" He brightened and went to hug him. "It's been forever, bro!" He hugged him tightly.

"Yeah. Forever." he mumbled, trying to squirm out of the all too friendly hug that was suffocating him and making him uncomfortable.

Jared finally pulled away. "What have you been up to?" He beamed.

"Uh. This." Misha stuttered, motioning around the room. "Nothing too spectacular."

Jared nodded. "Well, it's at least sturdy."

Misha chuckled, just a bit, nothing too overly warm. "Yeah, there's a roof, right?" Misha smiled a bit. But only a bit. "It's a _pleasure_," he strained the word, "to have you here. But I'm afraid I need to go do some work. So… I'll see you around." Misha shuffled out of the room.

"Oh." Jared seemed a bit disappointed. "I'll see you around then." He waved.

Misha started to hyperventilate as soon as he got to his own room. What was he doing? Was he _happy_ to see Misha? What? Why was he so friendly? Didn't he see Misha wasn't happy at all? _What the hell?_

Danneel came into the room. "Misha?"

Misha swiveled around. "Yes?" his eyes wild and looking anywhere else but her.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes were soft. "I ran into Jared. He said you looked upset."

"_Why the hell is he being so nice?!_" Misha squeaked, his voice raising two octaves. "I got a hug and everything! I thought he'd get the hint!"

"Maybe he's okay with it." Danneel shrugged.

"OKAY WITH WHAT?" he shouted. "What's there to be okay with? Oh, it's okay that every single day, something reminds me of him and then he shows up at my doorstep?" he covered his mouth realizing what he said.

"Like I said, he's fine with it."

"Fine?" he asked.

"Or maybe he didn't get the letter." Danneel shrugged.

Misha paused. "Didn't get the letter?"

"The one you wrote him? The one that you kept stressing about for weeks? The one that you told me about?" Danneel raised an eyebrow. "Ringing any bells?"

Misha waved his hands, shooing off her comments. "Yes, yes, I know. That one. But impossible! I slipped it under his dorm room door!"

Danneel shrugged. "Maybe his roommate got it and trashed it accidentally. Or the janitor."

Misha paused. "Wait… He had a roomate…" he swivled around. "But I can't remember… Ugh." he slammed his face in his hands.

"I don't know." Danneel snorted. "Don't ask me."

"Where was he going off to?" Misha asked, frantically trying to find a jacket.

"Culver's. Why-?" Danneel's question was ignored as Misha rushed out.

Misha found Jared going into Culver's. "Jared! Wait!" he called after his retreating form.

Jared paused and turned to spot Misha. When he did, he beamed. "Hey, Mish! You coming along?"

"Uh… Yeah. Sure. I need to… talk." Misha huffed.

"About what?"

He dragged him off to the side so no one can hear. "Did you get my letter back in college?" he asked softly.

Jared frowned. "Which one?"

Misha paused. "What do you mean, which one?"

"You gave me lots of letters in college."

"The very last one. The one I slipped under your door."

Jared raised an eyebrow. "I never got it then, Cas." He used an old nickname.

_Cas_. He smiled at the name. Then frowned. "You didn't?"

"Nope. I left a few days earlier."

"Oh… I… Uh. Okay." he sputtered. Oh boy.

"What's wrong?" Jared inquired.

"I sent you a letter years ago…" he mumbled

"Can you tell me what was in it?"

"I… Uh… It doesn't matter now."

"You sure?"

"Nah. You'd laugh at me. You'd think I was weird."

"I'd never do that." Jared grinned. "No more than usual anyway."

"I… Kinda spilled my feelings."

"About what?" Jared tilted his head.

"You." Misha blurted before he could stop it.

Jared tilted his head with a knowing smile. "What about me?"

"I fell for you… Hard."

Jared smiled brightly. "That's all I needed to hear." He murmured before smashing his lips to Misha's.

Misha was taken by surprise. "Jared? What the-?"

Jared pulled away. "What?"

"What the _hell_ are you on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you kissing me?"

"Don't you like that?" Jared frowned.

"Yes- I mean- _Of course_ but I thought you'd be weirded out!" Misha fumbled out, not sure how to explain himself.

"Why would I when I like you too?" Jared tilted his head.

"You like me too?" he breathed.

"Wasn't that obvious?" Jared gave a grin.

"I… Uh. Now I think of it… I guess so." Misha blushed strawberry red.

Jared chuckled. "So . . . what do you think?" He murmured.

"I still think of you every day." Misha whispered under dark lashes and heavy lids.

"Good. So do I." Jared murmured. Misha shyly tangled his hand in Jared's, tugging him in for a kiss, which Jared returned. Danneel grinned from the shadows as she held a piece of paper in her hands. It looked as if she wouldn't have to bring it back into their lives.


End file.
